I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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