she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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