haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
