Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
