There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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