Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Come back. Shots need mouths.
MIDGETS
????
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
