How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
