I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
