Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
