Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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