That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
