I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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