Non-Jews are for practice
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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