Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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