Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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