he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
