I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
