just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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