if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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