She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
