Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
