32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
