i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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