If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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