I want to have your abortion
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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