I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
