I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
