My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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