I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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