In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
