he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
