dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize