meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
