im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
