In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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