There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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