why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
