____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
