I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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