when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
