It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
