my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
