What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
