So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
