what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
