Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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