Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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