Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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