I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
