genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
