Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
