I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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