happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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