He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
