I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
