thus making me awesome and them whores
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
