god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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