glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize