Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
