When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
